Life has been too cruel for the past couple of months. There have been cases of abundance of unfathomable situations where one does not know how to accept and proceed. Stagnation has been a crucial constant over these days, as much to have nothing to have been going the way I presumed or even found comfortable accepting.
Lots of attempts have been disregarded and even failed whereas some have simply gone unaccounted. There were also those who have only been in existence as a plan, failed to be fulfilled. Never have I been through times where every thing I try was useless. At leas some could have bagged some purpose, but no. It was failure after failure that induced more and more insecurities and doubts.
A certain amount of redefining of self took place, mostly slated towards the negative side. Confidence, self-esteem, ambitions and aspirations have been lowered to an alarming level. Severe judging and comparison beyond the level of rationality had transpired. It was very unlikely of me to have shown such a dark side to myself. More than anyone I was most cruel to me. The struggle to uphold what was left of what I thought myself to be was still persistent but failing, like an attempt to forever hold a melting ice in a tight grip. Even the one prized facet of creativity that I've ever cherished seemed to fade, or rather travel so far that I could only remember what its presence felt like.
It all worried me, kept me at a state of total loss, but whatever happened one did have patience. The only aspect that marched forward when everything else moved in the opposite. Even hope didn't remain steady, it kept flickering, and sometimes vanished for hours at a time; pushing one down an endless pit and then finally appearing to pull you back. And when it appeared its presence was only limited. Of course, I did nothing to make it welcome or give it reason to retain its presence. How sure can one be of what actions would result fruitful in a time where all pursuit had been defeated.
What can one do now other than to sit back and watch whatever has to happen happen; allow the waves to wash over the sandcastle built too near the shore. Let the feeble structure tumble down completely and then I shall build from the blocks a better building with a stronger foundation and and adhesive that I concoct myself through perseverance and dexterity.
I've seen it happen once. Its not going to affect me the next time.
2 comebacks:
i think its just the phase of life we are goin thru. feeling of being lost,insecure,unsure seem to come n go. doesnt sound so good but its a fact n its happening... not just with u but also to me! ur not alone :)
A - I wouldnt want anyone to be in such a state! past few weeks have been better for me, Alhamdulillah. Hope you passes away soon.
P.S - certain things were a bit exaggerated in this post. thats y I labelled it 'fiction' :P
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